Nomadic Conundrum.

I consider myself an open minded person.
I'm not afraid to be proven wrong, in fact, I invite it.
I see being proven wrong as a way to grow as a person. A way to remove old assumptions, habits, or opinions. The more I'm proven wrong, the more I grow.

However, this doesn't mean that I'm not going to defend my argument until I can be proven wrong. Some people mistake this for stubbornness, although if I'm not changing my mind to another person's point of view, it's either because they're resorting to logical fallacies or their argument isn't valid.

My goal has always been to become wiser and stronger. Other things in life are too simplistic for me. My pursuit for wisdom has come at the cost of social interaction and approval for most of my life.
I've been in situations where the majority of people will believe something, something that may be non-nonsensical or simply a part of the status-quo. When I'm confronted with conformity and a sugar-coated fallacy, I've always been one to reject it.
This leads many to believe that I consider myself "special", or that I'm merely bitter, or stupid.

Hence, this leads to many to isolate me.
At times I consider this a form of a test. Am I willing to continue to pursue wisdom and improvement, even if it's at the cost of destroyed friendships and a life of solitude and celibacy? Is it really all worth it?

The answer, I ponder on a daily basis. Sometimes It seems that joining the herd of ideological circle-jerking will end my solitude in favor of conformity.  But this to me, is one of the many sources of evil and atrocities committed throughout history.

Maybe, when I'm older, I'll be wiser than most. Maybe this isolation will someday pay off.

Update: Progress

As I stated previously, I'm on a hiatus from writing here until I can get things settled.
I graduated last month at Vancouver Film School's "Entertainment Business Management" program, since then I've been trying to obtain my work permit so I can work within Canada. At the moment I'm waiting for some transcripts before I can proceed.
The reason for which I rather work in Canada than the USA, is due to my existing connections and my emotional bond to Vancouver. While it won't be a huge set back, I will move to Seattle once it's verified that I may not work here.

While I'm not working on my work permit, I'm looking for places where I can network so I can start looking for a job as soon as I obtain my work permit, or otherwise. If I'm not doing that, I'm working on some projects with the studio I'm involved with. Either the script for our comic, or the GDD for the game we're working on.

But, to be honest, I do spend some time just relaxing or watching film. I'm not sure if this is a bad habbit or not.

In all, that's the brief update. I'll continue to write on this once I find a steady income.

A slight hiatus

I've been on a slight hiatus for the past few days. 

On December 25th I was pretty much out throughout most of the day over at Fernie. The day after that I was traveling back to Vancouver, while today I've been working on a new project so I can present a game to potential investors. With said game I'll hopefully be able to secure investment to open up my business within Vancouver, BC. 

I'll try to make room for this blog when I can, but for the most part I'll be working on said project. I'll post updates here if I can. Some things need to be kept confidential. 

Anyhow I hope ya'll are having a great winter solstice. While it's my third winter spend alone, It's actually been one of the best I've had yet. 

Waiting

Tiresome day, a lonely night
I watch the stars, and let out a sigh
The world's different, without you here
It's been so long, yet you feel so near
The world moves on, without your eyes

And I stand here, looking for your sight 

I seek a reminder of those lovely days

When you'd ask to explore, speak, and sway. 

The silence kills me, at day, at night 

Knowing that your voice will never be yet again a delight

You're but a ghost, who I refuse to leave

My mind seeks you, as my heart bleeds

There's only one that meets your eyes

But the chance of breaking, are not in my sight 

My heart is heavy from your demise 

Yet I refuse to let you go 

Even when my heart sinks into a new low 

Optimism?

It's no secret that I'm quite cynical on various topics revolving the human condition. That's not to say, contrary to what many will believe of me, that this is a general rule when it comes to my thoughts on humanity.

There is, for instance, the fact that our social norms, traditions, and knowledge of the universe has been increasing since the dawn of civilization.

Back in the olden days... and I mean, the OLDEN days, when we were nomadic hunter gathers with no concept of civilization in mind, our way of thinking and empathy was based on what our leaders would do. Their authority was often assigned via their brawn rather than their wisdom or intelligence. Murder often went unpunished, as were most things that are now consider criminal acts.

Sure, we were less destructive of the environment then. But that didn't stop us from driving other species into extinction, including other human species. Hell, even thinking about the latter makes me a bit cynical. We're quite a destructive force when you think about it.

Things went into overdrive once we established our first civilizations. The death toll on other living creatures increased, including other humans (via war, etc), while our fertility increased. Back then, being an intellectual or empathetic was still something to be weary about. You couldn't criticize "god", or it's speaker. Doing so would often result in death.

From there, we were expected not to hurt our fellow man within our society. The enemy was often beyond the walls of our fortress.

From there, our empathy was reserved for those in our society, and those who chose to call themselves our allies. Eventually, I'm assuming after the Industrial Revolution, our empathy was expected to be given to those of other "clans", as anyone could be a potential customer or partner.

At some point within our history, we began to be empathetic towards nature. We began to condemn the murder of animals when it was unnecessary. We began to condemn deforestation, and started to push for the rights of animals.

It is our social evolution that gives me a bit of hope for humanity. It's our success stories that bring a smile to my face.

A bridge from ashes.

Every person has their story. 

Hold on, let me correct that: 

Every person has a perception of reality which can alter their perception of the facts of their past, which, in turn, can be the story they present.

For many of us, there are other people involved in these stories, people who we can either be very attached to, people who we miss, or people whom we hate and avoid. Of course, these are not the only variables. 

To some, when these people continue to be in our lives after the span of a few years, it's difficult to get rid of them. To some, these people tend to stay, unless something overtly drastic occurs. To some, these people are valuable, and irreplaceable. 

To me, however, they are, by the most part, like water off a duck's back. Just another human, who's trying to survive, and therefore, I tend to burn bridges, even ones I've had, easily, at times over petty or unusual things. I, for quite some time, acted on the "You harm me in any way, and you're gone" philosophy. Looking back, I probably lost alot of opportunities or potential friends this way. But, then again, I probably avoided getting back stabbed. 

As a result, It's also become -quite- difficult for me to bond with people. Trust, to me, is a very rare, and valuable thing. It's not something I give freely. On the day that I'm typing this, I can only think of four people I can trust.  

This, of course, is a double edged sword. Aside the amount of loneliness I endure on a regular basis when I'm not working, exercising, or generally keeping myself occupied, the dread of solitude tends to creep up on me. Like a leach, it drains me of my energy, my IQ, and my motivation. 

This, at times, leads me to seek out the help of the few people I've grown to trust. 

While at times I feel like these people love me unconditionally, I also suspect that my exclusive attention towards them makes me overbearing, needy, and at times, irritating. It deeply troubles and worries me, as I seek to make the lives of the people I love better, not worse. 

This, at times, leads into a vicious cycle of avoidance, which leads to more solitude."I've spoken to them enough, give them space" leads to "They don't want to hear from me" leads to "They don't care", which leads to "I'm better off alone." 

Often times this leads me to disconnecting from them for a certain amount of time. Days, months, weeks, or years. 

The emotionally detachment creates issues on the few occasions we meet in person,  as my lizard brain wants to be friendly and loving, but my brain tells me that I will harm them if I do so. From what I've gathered, it makes me act rude, distant, and overtly bitter.

 

Then I wonder, if I should burn those bridges, too.

Drem- First memory

I'm not a superstitious person. I rejected the concept of a deity before I was a decade old, and I never believed in anything of supernatural origin. That's not to say I can't be convinced, more so, I require physical evidence. Physical evidence that can be presented, or shown. 

That being said, before I go on, I have to point out that I believe this "ghost" is but a subconscious manifestation of what I've lost, and what I, at times, desire, but will never obtain. 

Shortly after Vanstai's death, I started going on medication due to my behavior and mood at the time. If I can recall correctly, I was on Symbyax. My grades were going down drastically, I was gaining weight, and I was having random bouts of anger. I was also sleeping way more than the usual, around 10-11 hours a day. I'd come home from school, sleep a few hours, wake up, do homework (or browse the web), and then sleep again. At some point, I started having vivid dreams. At first they were nothing to write about, the typical "I'm flying!" or "I'm losing my teeth!" dreams, but for the most part, they weren't too special. 

Until, one night, I dreamt of a thin, pale-skinned, red headed girl. 

Those who've seen me online are often to have seen the image below: 

For some strange reason, I started dreaming of her often. Someone I've never met, thought of, or seen online, at least, not to my knowledge. I found this picture on Google a few years back, when I typed in her features. I don't remember the source, and any time I try to search for the source of the image, I'm left without luck. Even uploading the image itself on Google Images yields 0 results. 

The first dream I had of her was when I was either 14 or 15. It started out with a dream of me flying outside an old looking medieval castle. It was night time, a full moon illuminated the lush forest with twilight. The castle was built on a hill, and a lake seemed to originate from the bottom of the castle. 

I looked inside a window, and saw the girl above, in a white gown, sleeping. Suddenly, water came from the shut door. She got up, and opened the door. The entire floor of the castle was flooded, but in an unrealistic fashion. The water was clear, constantly flowing, and was around two inches deep, the only ripples came from the girl's feet. The water was smooth. 

I then entered the window, I was like a ghost. I could go through walls, it seemed. She didn't seem to notice me. 

She went forward, beyond the door there was a spiral of stairs, that went downward, and upward. There didn't seem to be a ceiling, as when she looked up, the moon was peering in. The walls were like a waterfall, beneath the clear, smooth water there were stone bricks, again, of medieval fashion. Below her, she noticed the bottom of the castle was beginning to flood. She let out a sigh, and started to go up the staircase, which spiraled upwards. The girl went up the steps, ignoring the water that was trickling down them like a flowing river. I followed. 

When we reached the top, I was in awe of the beauty of the forest. A vast lake below us, surrounded by trees, large hills, and a twilight moon. It was silent, with only a hint of the wind brushing against us. 

She moved around the roof of the castle, looking for the source of the flooding. 

She eventually came upon a medium-sized rectangle on the surface of the roof. It was the source of the flooding, as water seemed to be spouting from it. Other than the water coming from the orifice,  it seemed dark, and empty. 

The girl, for some reason, decided to get in. I followed. 

Defying the laws of gravity, we fell through the water, as if something was pulling us. Strangely, the water vanished. We fell, I remember looking upwards, only to see the light slowly dimming as we fell further away from the ceiling. 

We eventually fell in a large collection of water, and it was dark. I could suddenly fly again, but the girl was struggling in the water. There was a large "Ca-Chunk", and a door opened, revealing the lake I'd seen before. She swam towards it, and once she exited the dark room, the door closed. When we looked behind, we saw how massive the castle really was. She swam away from the castle, rather than towards it. She swam for a while, until she reached a sandy beach on the other side of the castle. She looked back, as the castle began to be consumed by fog. She let out a sight, and moved towards the forest. 

We came upon a very narrow, modern road, it seemed to have been freshly paved. Street lamps illuminated the way, but strangely, as she passed them, they'd dim. 

The girl, who I decided to nickname "Drem", eventually took a turn where the road ended. A vast sea of green grass was before her, and to the horizon, a massive mountain, the moon, peering over it. 

Drem fell on her knees, and wept. I stayed stationary, and watched. The world around her was becoming darker, until only the sound of the grass brushing against her remained. 

I woke up drenched in sweat. 

This wasn't the last time I'd see Drem. I will write about her again, on a future date.