Screaming into the abyss

It's no secret that I have some very jaded views when it comes to romance and relationships. It's easy for others to assume that I've been burned, but in reality I've never even given the concept a go, at least, not since the Vanstai incident.

After she passed away, I naively told myself I would wait for "the one", not just in terms of sex, but in terms of emotional bonding. I refused to open up completely to anyone that didn't stimulate my mind like she did, which of course, didn't happen. At least, not with someone that was available, or had mutual feelings, whether it was me who had the feelings, or someone else.

Due to this, despite some girl's advances on me, I never opened up or was intimate with anyone. The years flew by, and I flooded my mind with a cocktail of prescription drugs to numb the madness. Said drugs not only tamed the voices in my head, but also killed any sexual desires I once had for women, making me essentially asexual. Rarely did I ever meet any women who I fancied, and the few times that I did, I would either ignore them out of knowing they were out of my league, or out of suspicion of them putting up a facade. The few that I did speak to, would either drift away out of indifference, or would become friends.

I never took rejection personally, as to me, attraction is involuntary. We are in control of who we are attracted to as much as we're in control of the weather, that is to say, we have little to no input. It just happens.

I am now in  my mid 20's. It's been over a decade since Vanstai died, and I sometimes ask myself if this is truly the path I want to take. I realize that, if I don't do something now, I will, in fact, end up alone for the rest of my days. But what does "do something now" imply? My mind yells at me, and says that it involves a lot of exercise, hard work, and forceful interaction with other human beings, in hostile environments and situations, such as night clubs or popular bars, neither of which are of my taste. The other option, would be to settle for women in my league.
The morbidly obese, the uninspired, the mentally ill. That is not to say that I can't see myself being attracted to someone with these characteristics, simply that, at this given time, I have never been attracted to someone of said qualities, except maybe the craziness, which I will admit, can be beautiful, given the right conditions. The answer was, either settle, or be alone.

I thought, what was the purpose of settling? What would that fix? Would that fix the void that was left by Vanstai's death? Would a companion really help me in times of solitude within the mountains of Ferny, the hostility in Seattle, or the ominousness of Oaxaca?

No. It would not. There is no gain, other than the occasional partner to vent or speak to, but if we're not happy with each other, what's the point? Isn't love supposed to be reciprocated? Wouldn't two people who don't have mutual feelings for each other just end up hating each other due to a lack of mutual interests and experiences? Would my partner be brave enough to face the dangers and mysteries of the Oaxacan nightmare? Would she be able to handle the nights of delirium, madness, and sensory overload? Would she demand that I change my behavior? Would she attempt to keep me in stagnation for comfort? What would be the point of being with someone who doesn't understand the depth of my character, and doesn't have the courage to stand up the madness?

Said "partner" would be but another obstacle that I would need to overcome. Not someone who would help me grow, or that would allow me to assist in personal growth. Just a lazy lump that chains itself to me, and demands that I sit indifferently to the world around us, demanding comfort and security over the fight towards the blood thirsty beast that is modern society. No growth, only comfort.

Whilst alone, I may feel alone, standing against my personal darkness. The madness, as I call it. The voices, the hatred, the overwhelming heat of the anger and disdain I have towards some. I would prefer to stand up to all of these demons alone, than to even attempt to tackle them with someone who sees my struggles as childish or pointless. We live in an age of narcissism, and I refuse to assimilate to this retrograde culture.

I rather stand alone. I rather travel alone, and I rather die alone.

There are no other options. It's either this, or the lump. Those I wish I could obtain, are beyond my reach, for they do not want to be with a peasant like myself. Love is a fantasy to me, only obtainable through music or fiction. The only love I can have, is the love I give myself. The love I must train myself to have, and the love I have to force upon myself.

Nomadic Conundrum.

I consider myself an open minded person.
I'm not afraid to be proven wrong, in fact, I invite it.
I see being proven wrong as a way to grow as a person. A way to remove old assumptions, habits, or opinions. The more I'm proven wrong, the more I grow.

However, this doesn't mean that I'm not going to defend my argument until I can be proven wrong. Some people mistake this for stubbornness, although if I'm not changing my mind to another person's point of view, it's either because they're resorting to logical fallacies or their argument isn't valid.

My goal has always been to become wiser and stronger. Other things in life are too simplistic for me. My pursuit for wisdom has come at the cost of social interaction and approval for most of my life.
I've been in situations where the majority of people will believe something, something that may be non-nonsensical or simply a part of the status-quo. When I'm confronted with conformity and a sugar-coated fallacy, I've always been one to reject it.
This leads many to believe that I consider myself "special", or that I'm merely bitter, or stupid.

Hence, this leads to many to isolate me.
At times I consider this a form of a test. Am I willing to continue to pursue wisdom and improvement, even if it's at the cost of destroyed friendships and a life of solitude and celibacy? Is it really all worth it?

The answer, I ponder on a daily basis. Sometimes It seems that joining the herd of ideological circle-jerking will end my solitude in favor of conformity.  But this to me, is one of the many sources of evil and atrocities committed throughout history.

Maybe, when I'm older, I'll be wiser than most. Maybe this isolation will someday pay off.

Update: Progress

As I stated previously, I'm on a hiatus from writing here until I can get things settled.
I graduated last month at Vancouver Film School's "Entertainment Business Management" program, since then I've been trying to obtain my work permit so I can work within Canada. At the moment I'm waiting for some transcripts before I can proceed.
The reason for which I rather work in Canada than the USA, is due to my existing connections and my emotional bond to Vancouver. While it won't be a huge set back, I will move to Seattle once it's verified that I may not work here.

While I'm not working on my work permit, I'm looking for places where I can network so I can start looking for a job as soon as I obtain my work permit, or otherwise. If I'm not doing that, I'm working on some projects with the studio I'm involved with. Either the script for our comic, or the GDD for the game we're working on.

But, to be honest, I do spend some time just relaxing or watching film. I'm not sure if this is a bad habbit or not.

In all, that's the brief update. I'll continue to write on this once I find a steady income.

A slight hiatus

I've been on a slight hiatus for the past few days. 

On December 25th I was pretty much out throughout most of the day over at Fernie. The day after that I was traveling back to Vancouver, while today I've been working on a new project so I can present a game to potential investors. With said game I'll hopefully be able to secure investment to open up my business within Vancouver, BC. 

I'll try to make room for this blog when I can, but for the most part I'll be working on said project. I'll post updates here if I can. Some things need to be kept confidential. 

Anyhow I hope ya'll are having a great winter solstice. While it's my third winter spend alone, It's actually been one of the best I've had yet. 

Waiting

Tiresome day, a lonely night
I watch the stars, and let out a sigh
The world's different, without you here
It's been so long, yet you feel so near
The world moves on, without your eyes

And I stand here, looking for your sight 

I seek a reminder of those lovely days

When you'd ask to explore, speak, and sway. 

The silence kills me, at day, at night 

Knowing that your voice will never be yet again a delight

You're but a ghost, who I refuse to leave

My mind seeks you, as my heart bleeds

There's only one that meets your eyes

But the chance of breaking, are not in my sight 

My heart is heavy from your demise 

Yet I refuse to let you go 

Even when my heart sinks into a new low 

Optimism?

It's no secret that I'm quite cynical on various topics revolving the human condition. That's not to say, contrary to what many will believe of me, that this is a general rule when it comes to my thoughts on humanity.

There is, for instance, the fact that our social norms, traditions, and knowledge of the universe has been increasing since the dawn of civilization.

Back in the olden days... and I mean, the OLDEN days, when we were nomadic hunter gathers with no concept of civilization in mind, our way of thinking and empathy was based on what our leaders would do. Their authority was often assigned via their brawn rather than their wisdom or intelligence. Murder often went unpunished, as were most things that are now consider criminal acts.

Sure, we were less destructive of the environment then. But that didn't stop us from driving other species into extinction, including other human species. Hell, even thinking about the latter makes me a bit cynical. We're quite a destructive force when you think about it.

Things went into overdrive once we established our first civilizations. The death toll on other living creatures increased, including other humans (via war, etc), while our fertility increased. Back then, being an intellectual or empathetic was still something to be weary about. You couldn't criticize "god", or it's speaker. Doing so would often result in death.

From there, we were expected not to hurt our fellow man within our society. The enemy was often beyond the walls of our fortress.

From there, our empathy was reserved for those in our society, and those who chose to call themselves our allies. Eventually, I'm assuming after the Industrial Revolution, our empathy was expected to be given to those of other "clans", as anyone could be a potential customer or partner.

At some point within our history, we began to be empathetic towards nature. We began to condemn the murder of animals when it was unnecessary. We began to condemn deforestation, and started to push for the rights of animals.

It is our social evolution that gives me a bit of hope for humanity. It's our success stories that bring a smile to my face.

A bridge from ashes.

Every person has their story. 

Hold on, let me correct that: 

Every person has a perception of reality which can alter their perception of the facts of their past, which, in turn, can be the story they present.

For many of us, there are other people involved in these stories, people who we can either be very attached to, people who we miss, or people whom we hate and avoid. Of course, these are not the only variables. 

To some, when these people continue to be in our lives after the span of a few years, it's difficult to get rid of them. To some, these people tend to stay, unless something overtly drastic occurs. To some, these people are valuable, and irreplaceable. 

To me, however, they are, by the most part, like water off a duck's back. Just another human, who's trying to survive, and therefore, I tend to burn bridges, even ones I've had, easily, at times over petty or unusual things. I, for quite some time, acted on the "You harm me in any way, and you're gone" philosophy. Looking back, I probably lost alot of opportunities or potential friends this way. But, then again, I probably avoided getting back stabbed. 

As a result, It's also become -quite- difficult for me to bond with people. Trust, to me, is a very rare, and valuable thing. It's not something I give freely. On the day that I'm typing this, I can only think of four people I can trust.  

This, of course, is a double edged sword. Aside the amount of loneliness I endure on a regular basis when I'm not working, exercising, or generally keeping myself occupied, the dread of solitude tends to creep up on me. Like a leach, it drains me of my energy, my IQ, and my motivation. 

This, at times, leads me to seek out the help of the few people I've grown to trust. 

While at times I feel like these people love me unconditionally, I also suspect that my exclusive attention towards them makes me overbearing, needy, and at times, irritating. It deeply troubles and worries me, as I seek to make the lives of the people I love better, not worse. 

This, at times, leads into a vicious cycle of avoidance, which leads to more solitude."I've spoken to them enough, give them space" leads to "They don't want to hear from me" leads to "They don't care", which leads to "I'm better off alone." 

Often times this leads me to disconnecting from them for a certain amount of time. Days, months, weeks, or years. 

The emotionally detachment creates issues on the few occasions we meet in person,  as my lizard brain wants to be friendly and loving, but my brain tells me that I will harm them if I do so. From what I've gathered, it makes me act rude, distant, and overtly bitter.

 

Then I wonder, if I should burn those bridges, too.